The Big "F"

On October 25...

 
     I have this very bad attitude I disdainfully deny but with life's lessons, I am earning the bravery of admitting it. I hardly forget people who wrong me. Everything excruciatingly painful. The retaliation: the I-don't-care-attitude towards you. I don't see you. I don't hear you.

     I have read about stories of forgiveness a zillion times, heard about the enlightened hearts after letting go and attended enhancing workshops about being a Christian yet the struggle of setting myself free from holding grudges have imprisoned me for a long time.

     Designed by Him that a life ends. The people I haven't talked to for the longest time remained never to be talked with. They're gone. Messages constructed unread. This I would not want to happen.

     So while I can see and hear, I wanna reach out...

     Everyone dies.

     One day, it would be me. It would be me lain in a casket someone would stare at with tears of sorrow, regret, forgiveness, hatred or relief.

     That lush green savannah would in a season turn yellow then to brown of wilting. But the cycle does not end up there for there are seeds blown from somewhere and would then sprout a new scene of greenery.

     That flowers in their brightest spectrum would faint in time. But because pollination takes place on and on so long as bees, pollen carriers and technology exist.

     Breathing and moving living things brought to life has all its journey to keep.

     It happened in this lifetime, I became a human being. I was a tiny crybaby who learned to crawl, walk and run free on this wide play place called earth.

     Interactions are made from meeting executives to lowly people along the streets... Then came a relationship that is way, way far from what I ideated when I was younger dreaming of one to have. I awaken before a man deeply entrusting him all that I am. He possessed me as I began swearing all my love I could. Whoah. It may odd to say but the physiology is he is the same, same cells-to-tissues-to-organs-and-systems that one man is made up of. See! But it is him my hypothalamus found all the reasons my heart beats about. Pop more and more people who I talk with, care about, share food with in a thing called friendship.

     I have tried my very best of upholding the principles learnt from home, from school, from other people's stories and experiences. I have hold on so long trying to be right. ...think what is right... say what is right... and do what is right... 

     But thy flesh  was weak and succumbed. For forgiveness was invented and accepted in the English language, I was given a chance or two. Things were re-started, re-built and seemed good to go again.

     

     Yes, I am human. Very human to make mistakes over and over again...

     Having a lot of friends, real ones… They are stimulus of feeling so good. 

     None can separate the bond that you’ve invested with each other, not even  time or geographical location. The amplest of time shared in a second is enough to water the green-ness in keeping the friendship living. 

     Truly we age, when our friends' kids level up in school, increase in height and all of the sudden, confide in you in a language never shared before... 

     Thank you G-d... Maybe the world is all too cruel. Somebody quoted that life is unfair. This sometimes I say with the much pain, troubles and hopelessness. But with Him, I can see a sunny tomorrow, a rainbow after the rain, a light after the tunnel... Thank you for your loving that breaks me down and makes me up.